Armadillo’s Bathtime

Music – Hysteria


Armadillos Bathtime

Now it is relatively safe to say,
I love animals; l really genuinely do,
And most of the time, we get along fine, usually,
But there have been moments this is true,
When my clumsy interactions with the species,
Of the kingdoms have come to more than blows,
With the winners being the beasties,
And me bitten and bruised from my nose to my toes!
I am never quite sure why l always end up at a loss,
Perhaps it is because l am way too soft,
And believe in reasoning instead of getting cross, 
Either way makes no odds; l still get doffed!

When l was a wee lad in the Australian outback,
Collecting squirmy and wrigglers was my thing,
So l thought nothing of caterpillars or the redbacks,
And l tried to tell Mama, all l was doing was bonding,
But she panicked and kicked up one hell of a fuss,
Demanded that l release them before l get bitten,
Caterpillars don’t bite none Mama nor cause offence.’
But that was pointless and didn’t stop her bleating!

Malaysia saw me experimenting with giant Butterflies,
The most magnificently colourful insects one could ever see,
From tiny little gems to delightful beauties’ dinner plate size,
Yet even these fluttering creatures brought disaster to me,
One day whilst following one hell of a brute,
I slipped down a hole that led out to the sea,
Kind of strange behaviour, thought l, from one so cute,
But l remembers nothing except waking up with the Guppies!
Swimming in the monny drain was also a big no!
In my Mama’s eyes,
But there were frogs, fish and other things, you know?
Admittedly the cobra that one day was a surprise! 

Now apart from the usual accidents that can befall us all,
Growing up with animals can indeed be a trying time,
Humping rabbits biting and the guinea pigs that can maul,
I am sure it was just simply out of-hand playtime!
Things started to take a downward turn for me, l think,
When that damned squirrel attacked me that day,
I mean, hell, all l did was smile and blink,
Thinking that little cutesy wanted to play!
However, l was mortally wrong about his intentions,
For he was just pure evil if l say so myself,
The way he ran up my arm like a beast of the legion,
And used my shoulder for his attacking shelf!
It was nasty, is what it was, absolute terror,
To attempt to pull off my ear lobe, l assure you is no joke,
And NO, it was no accidental error,
He was there to victimise this bloke!
I swear that it was that incident, which made me a jinx,
As all animals after that saw me as their bitch,
To toy with, annoy and feed their fetish kinks!
Making my life one hell of a bloodied mess with well over 100 stitches!
Innocently l was eighteen when that happened that May Day,
That beastly squirrel psychologically impaired me,
Making me a walking target for any animal set on aggressive play,
And set me up for a lifetime of accidental brutality!

I had to find something to do to rid myself of this fault,
A profession that would allow me to tackle this voodoo,
And put an end to the constant assault,
Something, maybe like Dr Doolittle too!
So l became an exotic livestock consultant,
That way, l had an incredible array of species at my fingertips
To sell to respectable private clients,
And by doing this, l tried to get to grips,
With this ‘jinx’ that had attached itself to my very soul,
But alas, l learned that some curses are meant to stay,
For no matter how hard l tried, l always lost control,
And would end up with another damning bruise or injury that day!

So we will not dwell on the countless dog bites,
Cat scratches and friendly camel kicks, 
Nor on the ‘being chased by cows’ night,Or the monkeys’ embarrassing sexual flick!
Nor on the ‘being loved by the amorous tiger’ that day,
Or of the armadillos in my bath, 
Not even the time when the crocodile had its say,
And try to forget will l, the day the viscous Raccoons had their laughs!
The day the reptiles made my life queasy,
My mottled and blistered skin crawled literally for hours,
And by the way, whoever said small dogs were easy,
Never met those damned ferocious Chihuahuas!
When an elephant decides it wants to sit on you,
No matter what you say or tell it not to do,
It just looked at me lovingly, playful-like, before making me flat!
Don’t let me start on snakes or any pythons or boas!
For they just give me the heebie-jeebies and the willies,
But nothing compared to the downright nastiness of Kookaburras!
Who hampered me all day, making me look silly!

It mattered not. Pretty soon, the entire Kingdom saw me as a laugh,
So l retired and went far away into the backwaters,
Without having to worry about lions, tigers or giraffes!
And now just live with my two dogs as a bachelor,
However, I am working with horses these days,
And they are really kind of fun,
But clumsy antics with the species will be with me always,
After all, l am only me, not Ace Ventura or Steve bloody Irwin!

Rory Matier © 2009

If you would like to submit a poem, inspirational musing, or even a photograph you have written or taken to the Poetry Directory to be displayed in Earthly Comforts, l would love to hear from you.

Please email me at Rory Matier –, with Poetic Art for Earthly Comforts in the title.

Published by The Autistic Composter

Earthly Comforts is a wildlife journaling scrapbook focusing on the countryside, wildlife biodiversity and environmental conservation, flora and fauna volunteering projects, gardening, composting and vermiculture, inspiration, poetry and photography.

7 thoughts on “Armadillo’s Bathtime

  1. What a delightful poem, Rory! Seems you and the animal kingdom don’t always get along. When we lived in Florida, there were armadillos everywhere and they used to tear up our yard. We would stomp on the ground and they would jump in the air. It was a hilarious sight.

    Liked by 1 person

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